Dear Shamer,

Midday conversations led to my friend telling me about her first time. See, what had happened was that while still in the ‘dating’ part of their relationship her male counterpart had asked whether she was a virgin or not. And of course, when I say ‘ask’ I mean that he half laughed, half scoffed while asking this extremely personal question. Like a deer in the headlights she panicked and quickly said that she was not.

At 24 years of virginity, it was gone.

Fast-forward a few weeks and morning sickness kicked in.

My friend was now stuck in this conundrum, should she tell people that she had sex with a guy she barely knew and that she may be pregnant or should she just quietly go to the doctor and handle the situation alone. So distressed with the situation she felt like an outsider in her community of friends and family. She felt like there was nobody that she could speak to.

Religious-based bigotry has had a head-on collision with ‘worldly’ values in that if you are a virgin you are a prude to the world, BUT if you are sexually active you are a SLUT in the religious context. My friend is a liberal Christian, which means that she embraces homosexual couples, she is a fan of Harry Potter and even goes to Beer Festivals.

The morning sickness lasted a week and then she got her period. All this stress and worrying though was caused by the stupid question, “are you still a virgin?” As if in the whole world that is the worst possible thing? A disease that you need to rid yourself of at the age of 18 LATEST.

This ‘disease’ actually starts much earlier on. The pressure to have your first kiss before you are 13. The pressure to make out with a partner before 16. These subtle markers are ensuring lifelong anxiety for people who don’t meet the standard.

Is it beyond societies thought processes that a female could be so secure in her sexuality that she doesn’t feel the need to have sex? Especially to have sex with you (Mr Shamer), because let’s face it – the moment you found out that she was a virgin your condescending tone was basically chastising and questioning her for her choice.

In this case, she chose just to get it out of the way so that other boys wouldn’t ask her the same question and she wouldn’t feel like it was a weird thing to be a 24-year-old virgin.

Is this really what we have come to though? Virgins all over the world being shamed into losing their virginity for the sake of it. These incredibly intimate acts of sex, kissing or even holding hands are being reduced to something that has to be done in order to fit in whether or not you feel any sort of connection to the other party.

Asking you how you would feel if this was your daughter is actually not even a fair question. I don’t want you to only start thinking about the rights of females and their choices when you have a daughter. Females today at this very hour are being slut and virgin shamed. You cannot only care for their rights in 20 year’s time when your daughter comes to you and tells you that she was shamed into losing her virginity.

Do better. Be better.

Love

Huli (and my friend who let me share her story)

Hulisani the Intersectional Feminist. Hopeless Romantic. Lover of life. Blog: http://thatoneabout.weebly.com/ ther earth.

Written By: Hulisani Khorombi, Staff Writer, #mygirlsquad